Stuff you need to know chapter 2

There is a really bad misconception that when this goes down you will be able to hold out in your house, or that you and your friends will be able to hold up in a shopping mall aided by the military and kindly bikers. You will have plenty of room to keep all your stuff, and will have a bed and everything.

You are pretty much high.

You will need to carry your life on your back, or at least most of it. Do yourself a favor, and hop on your local Craig’s list, and get a jogging stroller. Best case, one with a wide wheel base and knobby tires (they call these sport utility strollers and yes, I did just throw up in my mouth a little).
Imagine you will be pushing this up a rough rocky dirt path. You don't want the kind with a free rotating cart wheel in front.  Welcome to your new home. Don't get too attached, you may need to ditch it. As such, this should only be for your third line gear, nothing super critical. This is not a good place to leave your asthma inhalers.

Once you rip the seats and all the BS mom law safety features out of this,
there is PLENTY of room for ammo. 

These things are almost always cheap; yuppies squirt babies and sell them to make room for jet skis. Don’t pay over $80. There will always be some drywall shanty dweller trying to get top dollar for these things, factory new plus the added bonus of being barfed on by little ‘Topher.  Fuck them. In fact, I encourage you to mod the shit out of this with heavy grade canvas and industrial grommets. If it’s beat up and sun bleached, all the better. Grind them on the price; use the money you save on ammo.

Their kid ain't using it...

Now I’m sorry, I got sidetracked. Let me explain why these are critical.

Put your hand up if you have ever been stuck in traffic.

Keep your hand up if you have ever been in “WTF haven’t moved a yard in over fifteen minutes, should I get out of the car and play hacky sack?” traffic.

The "well orchestrated" Hurricane Rita evacuation took several days.
The Katrina evacuation made this look like a summer jaunt.
This is Los Angeles on any weekday.

K put your hands down.

Now imagine that traffic is full of cars that are out of gas, stripped to the frame and/or full of dead families.

The apocalyptic freeway circle of life is as follows.

1. Craptastic traffic. Everybody is leaving town in stark naked fear.

2. Critical failure. Weather a simple breakdown or the people in front get eaten, the line stops for ever.

3. Disbelief. It will take up to 24 hours before people realize the road will never be open again.

4. Escape. Those who can, grab the dog and the water and hoof it.

5. Pillage. Days later, those leaving town on foot will loot what is left for supplies.

In the zombie scenario, you need to be ready for both hungry corpses and armed looters who know this is a choke point bonus round full of trapped people with the stuff they decided was important enough to bring with them. That stuff is a free resupply when the original owners are dead, one way or another.

Not all men with guns and uniforms are cops...

You can totally forget your fantasies of driving your armored pumped up 4x4 with KC jacklights through that mess. You will stop, and you will be a target. Most TANKS could not clear that. Motorcycles are nice, motorcycles are versatile, but they only rank a narrow third place in ways to escape for three reasons.

Please turn away if this will offend you...

1.     Cargo space. It’s limited to begin with, but the more you carry, the less versatile you become

2.     Road conditions, they will suck, there will be hunks of glass, metal and human-fuck-skull-chunk-knows-what-the-hell-else in random spots with sharp corners on them. Most county roads are a crappy thrill ride on a motorcycle, now imagine dodging the caltrop love fest that is about 20 car accidents of debris.

3.     They are loud. You can hear them for miles. They don't SEEM loud on the  freeway, but they are louder than cars, and make the distinct sound of an easy target.

If something has worked for several thousand years, why try to fix it?

Of course the number two place goes to horses, but since people who have horses tend to be in rural areas, and as such fall into the “probably should not evacuate” category (see below); the sport utility stroller is your best bet.

This leaves you splitting on foot, pushing your worldly possessions in the combat version of what used to push some soccer MILFs bundle of joy while she tried to run off her baby weight.

Speaking of weight, you will need to do some modifications to the standard “Sport Utility Stroller”.  Little ‘Topher,  a pumpkin mint  frappucino  (half caf, light foam skim milk) and two bottles of “vitamin water” only weigh about 40 lbs. This is ten pounds less than three days of ammo and food. Ultimately the frame can take more than the REI branded harness. The good ones boast a 70lb capacity, but with some canvas reinforcement and some creative tinkering you should be able to double that.

When the time comes. There is such thing as “too soon” to try to leave town, there is also “too late”.  

Do you think BART is still running on time?

If you live in an urban center, GTFO right away.

There is no better time than now. Hell if your neighbor is complaining of a headache MOVE. Between the other quarter million people trying to escape and the fact that the government won’t think twice about firebombing your neighborhood to contain “it”; you are pretty much boned. 

Unless you are this guy.

The other side of that, if your driveway is over a mile long, or  your neighbors call you over to help sheer sheep, stay put.  Extreme rural areas are difficult to invade, and the low population density makes them easy to defend. The chances are most of your neighbors have guns,  stored food, plenty of oil lamps, a generator or six, and everybody knows everybody else from church. Let’s just say somebody’s kid gets stuck in a corn husker and “turns”,  People who kill their own meat are way more likely to brainshoot the meat shell that used to be their kid than the lady you got the stroller from.  They are also ready for the Northface jacket community to roll into town at the first sign of disaster,  so if you don't have a native guide or the stickers of the local lumber mill on your truck, you better bring skills or goods to that party if you are immigrating from suburbia. If not you will be reenacting “Deliverance” for the rest of your short life.

"How many babies y'all got? What Chorch 'dya you go to?"

            The suburbs are the dangerous sweet spot. Leave too soon, you will run headlong into everybody else leaving, and the urban panic coming in. Leave too late, and you will face a horde of hungry zombies with few fresh human targets.

The good news is, as long as you hold out (after the mass exodus) there will be PLENTY of supplies. Suburbanites are notorious hoarders. The bad news is every lootable house will be a veritable “Let’s make a deal” of risk to benefit ratio. Will you find the former home of the mormon family who left behind barrels of flower and rice? Will the door reveal a lonely nerd with a .357 who lived off of Mc Donalds and has empty shelves?

How well do you REALLY know your neighbors?

 Much of the suburban pull-out program depends on your house and it’s location. If you are in the middle of a block within a series of dead ends, this makes a great location. If you are on the edge of a neighborhood near an arterial road, across from a high school, you are more vulnerable. Remember you need to be digging in against marauders and zombies. Zombies will go after any food target, so they may hit targets that would be off the beaten path, and will have no perception of tactical or monetary value.  Marauders will hit targets with easy access, that seem to be high yield low risk. Good general rules but it takes only one exception to kill you.

Stuff you need to know chapter 1

There is an old Indian legend where if there is anything in nature that can hurt you, there is a cure not far away. While I would not recommend getting your ankles smashed by boulders or French kissing and coral snakes, there are some pretty frikkin awesome plants which grow damn near everywhere in the civilized world which will help you.

Now don't get me wrong, this is not some ropehead holistic medicine conspiracy, this is actually backed by science, and in some cases recommended by real doctors even when big pharma made medicine fails.

Some "Natural Medicine" has special side effects.

Our first super candidate grows in creek beds, damp valleys and is so prolific in some parts of north america it is considered a weed, ladies and germs I bring you
the Curly Dock plant.

Looks like those "dry arrangements" your mom made back in the '70s

Chances are if you were a kid before WoW was invented you played outdoors and romped through this stuff on the daily. When it is well watered it is green all over, but reddens from the top down when drying. It's stalks will yield a white or clear sap when cut, and has a bitter acrid flavor like some romaine lettuce that is long in the tooth.

So what does this mean to me?

The young plant can be eaten after washing several times (to remove oxalic acid). The leaves are high in protein, vitamin A and fiber. The sap and stalk can be used as a laxative. The roots have been clinically PROVEN to remove heavy metals, poisons and radiation from the body by stimulating liver function.
The sap used topically will also neutralize the formic acid in stinging nettles, (usually found growing in the same spot as the dock) same for ant bites, and some bee and wasp stings. Note- Bees and wasps have other active ingredients in their venom and this may not do the trick, also note it will only control the pain/swelling you are still screwed if you have an allergic reaction to the venom toxins!

Next-
Beets
All Dwight Schrute jokes aside, the best thing you can do in any disaster is start planting beets. Beets grow quickly with minimal light and water required. They can be grown in a bathtub with light from a window, and while they may take 45-65 days to reach maturity from seed, can be harvested and eaten at any time in their growth cycle.

And you will be able to suck your testicles into your abdomen for protection during karate battles.

In addition to sharing many of the same laxative and anti oxident traits of the Dock Plant, beet roots are also extremely high in iron. The sugar beet can be used to make sugar for sweetening and preserving, and thus can also be converted to alcohol....

When mixed with beans and rice, beets add the holy triumvirate to the ultimate power food. Beans and rice will form a fantastic synthesized protein and just the right amount of carbs, with the iron from the beets you can last for a long, long time without more complex foods. Supplement with tomatoes and citrus for your vitamins and you are golden.

And by "Golden" we mean trading beet juice pruno for ammo.

I know you have heard it a million times before, but the buzz word plant of 1990s sun tan lotion is actually in this top three list.
Aloe Vera
Not only will it grow almost anywhere, each plant will yield plenty of useful sauce. The natural jell inside of each of the stalks can be harvested fresh or stored to be reconsituted as needed. Great for burns, both for soothing and as a topical anti-bacterial. The goo has also been proven to speed healing and reduce scarification on cuts and abrasions, but did you know it can also be taken internally?

It's the japanese porn tentacle that heals.

When under insane quantities of duress, like combat, alcohol benders, or fleeing undead hoards, your body will dehydrate faster and the natural flora of your digestive tract will go sideways. Couple this with an irregular and questionable diet of canned goods and raw rice, your guts will hate you. Not in a "ooh I got a bad tummy" hate you, in a "your stomach does the blender every time you eat and shoots out your ass in ten minutes without digesting" hate you. Being sick is one thing, being sick where your body can no longer absorb water or nutrients is another. Let's not even get into the compound suckage of having a dozen walkers on your heels and you are spraying out of your kulo like a Glidon paint gun.
Aloe jell when eaten fresh will help to keep your digestive organs hydrated, and keep your natural helpful bacteria doing what they are supposed to do, digesting your food. All that stuff that macrobiotic yogurt does that makes each container allegedly worth $7 can be found in aloe vera stalks.
because of it's populatity in recent years, big pharma and others have invested quite a bit in refuting claims of medical sucsesses of Aloe. Loaded studies and cleverly phrased press have not only claimed it was medcaly intert, but could also cause the reverse effects of the medical claims, and even form cancerous cysts.

You know, those independent researchers who are funded by
magical fairies with your best interest in mind?

This is by no means a comprehensive list, there are many natural things in your area that can be useful. For further research, I recommend talking to old people or reading the foxfire books. One day when you are older I'll tell you about how garbanzo beans saved the Roman Empire. But that is a story for another day.

Lets talk about guns.

We aren’t going to do this here often, because there is no point. Don’t get me wrong, guns are the most critical part of your  anti- zombie collection.

So Anders, why are we not going to talk about guns much here?

Well, because you are not good at them.  I can’t tell you how much my ass sucks fabric when somebody tells me they are going to get a handgun for home protection. It’s like getting dog, they always underestimate the amount of work it takes once you get it home. Can you spend at least three days a month at the range? Can you fire 60-100 rounds every time you go? Can you afford 35 cents a round? Will you buy extra magazines and rotate your loaded magazines weekly so your feed springs don’t hyper compress? Will you clean and lubricate your gun after every use? Will you clean and lubricate it weekly when not in use? Now you are thinking…

But some of you are out there saying “yeah dude, that’s totally me”. Then let me be the first to apologize for your piss poor sex life.

In real life, you need something that is great for close range (sorry, you are not an 31337 awesome sniper), requires minimal maintenance and you will stand a better than even chance of hitting your target without hundreds of hours of range time.

“But, but, I go to the range with my cousin and we shoot his glock 9mm and I got them all on the paper at 10 yards, I’m a great shot.”

I'm sure your cousin's rap label will love his OG percussion gat.

Okay, next time you are out shooting with Greasy Larry, before you shoot, drink a full mug of cold coffee, an equal amount of whole milk, rip out 30 push ups and then empty that mag in under 30 seconds.  After you are done ringing the barf out of your shirt in the bathroom at the indoor range and trying to dry your tears of shame in the hand blower, go see what a shitty job you did on a stationary target.  That’s about as close as you will get to a real simulation of stress induced fear-for-your-fucking-life combat. Now imagine that target is moving, and hungry for delicious “your brains”. I guarantee you will shoot yourself in the foot right between screaming for your mother and shitting your pants.

The solution:

You need something that you can pretty much point on the direction of the target, pull the trigger and run. You also need something you can keep in the closet behind your LARP gear or under your bed with your secret pictures of David Hasselhoff, and still have it be able to function with a little dust and moderate neglect.

We are not judging, you are amongst friends.

Enter the Mossberg "Special Purpose", available in the 500 and 590 series.

pump action shot guns are generally pretty hard to mess up, but when you add the special Marinecoat finish, it becomes wonderfully resistant to many things that would corrode the crap out of your weapon. Finger grease, powder residue, sweat, and diet mountain dew are all things that can really fuck up a gun in normal use, what they don't show you on TV is how much you really need to clean guns. Now imagine a world where your gun might be killing 10-50 meatbags a day, filled with blood, puss and poison Crisco.

Imagine these guys have been rotting for weeks, and are spewing at your weapon from fresh holes.
You are lucky movies don't smell.

These weapons can take quite a bit of torture and still function.
They function like most other pump shotguns, feed from the bottom into a tube magazine, rounds cycled into the chamber from the tube by the pump action. Button safety on the top rear of the receiver, activate with the thumb gripping the stock, red dot means go.

They come with several tube magazine configurations, this model is the 5/1 version (five in the tube, one in the barrel) a 6/1 version is also typical. Some states require a restrictor  so that they only hold three rounds total. This is usually a wood or plastic dowel inserted into the tube with rubber bushings, and should be removed where legal (can be done in minutes with no tools).

Ammo

Know now that there are commonly two types of shot for shotguns, "bird" shot and "buck" shot. 
Bird shot has pellets of ~2-4mm that can have as many as 500 pellets per cartridge. These are worthless to you. These are made so British assholes in powdered wigs can hit a small bird in flight without turning the meat into a fine spray.
Buck shot ranges from 6-15mm and typically has 6-10 pellets per cartridge. 00 (double aught) buck is the most common, and is fantastic for stopping bucks, boar, meth addicts and blowing deadbolts out of door frames. Buy these.

There are also slugs, which are a single round (not shot) used by shotguns, it's more or less like shooting a 3/4" steel rod out of your gun. Common in commie countries where rifles aren't allowed, these are only good to about 75 yards and take more skill to hit than a shot "blast" but the large size makes them fantastic for blasting through car doors, body armor, and thick plate at close range. Buy these too. 

Get a mix of "00 buck" and "slugs" in a 7/3 ratio. Get as many as you can carry.
The British military figured out after years of being married to 9mm sub-machine guns,  that at 30 yards, a shotgun with five rounds of 00 buck is as accurate as a 30 round mag of 9mm.

Your Shotgun is actually better than this at targets closer than 30 yards.

Now get out and shoot it.
This will not work for skeet. The pellets are too big, and the choke (angle of shot spray) too narrow. Get some bottles of water, set them up down range and go to town. Now that you have beaten the crap out of yourself with the massive recoil and hopefully figured out to press the butt stock hard into your shoulder before pulling the trigger, let's talk about modifications.

Don't modify your damn gun!
No, you don't need to put a pistol grip on it, it reduces your ability to use it as a club (see also: buttstrike) It also makes it crap tastic at longer ranges, and unless you can bench twice your weight (and you probably figured out at the range) you need the butt stock for control and recoil. If you even bring up folding stocks, I will come to your house and slap you with my glove in front of your kids. They are worthless, and unreliable.
Light rail interface? Aimpoint scope? bayonet lug? Look, most of the guys that put all this shit on their guns are the same guys that spend all weekend polishing their boats and yell at their wives for an hour if there are any naturally occurring scratches. The more shit you have on your gun, the more shit will fail, it's simple math. Also, more shit to get knocked off, smashed off, broken or run out of batteries. Don't get used to it, you won't miss it when it's gone. This also goes for aftermarket fore grips, side kick cartridge holders, butt stock extenders, and all that other garbage. What you are adding is weight. Weight sucks ass. In the post apocalyptic zombie world, you will need to sprint, climb ladders crawl in holes, and hike for miles. You don't want to be lugging more than you need to, to that, you don't want to be trying to un-fuck your "raptor talon laser aim assist™"  after it got snagged on a hurricane fence you had to climb. Don't buy that shit, If you already did, give it to greasy cousin Larry for his birthday, hill be stoked.

Lets look at a prime example:

Sidewinder 10 round detachable magazine kit

Let's look at this. Spend the cost of the gun (~$500) to go from 7-10 rounds, add almost three pounds, and while you get a "magazine" configuration, you now need to carry extra magazines (that you will not be able to loot spares from the military that doesn't use this crap) and you have increased the profile and snag-ability of the weapon, not to mention the risk of questionable aftermarket parts malfunctioning. All for three extra rounds.

I vote no. If you MUST add something to your gun, get a flashlight that takes NORMAL batteries that can easily be looted from gas stations. Those little lithium disc jobbies that you need to go to a watch maker to find will be GONE. If it's not AAA or some such, forget it.

These guys do this for a living, and they keep it simple.

This pretty much covers primary weapon. Can you do something else? Yeah. I know a few people who would be OK with assault weapons, and you should probably get a handgun to supplement this, but ultimately its about you being realistic about your skill, your fitness level to haul equipment, and minimizing your failure rate with complex mechanisms. Remember what happened to the high-tech German machine guns in the Russian mud and snow? Even the best things on paper can get compromised in nature. Know your gear inside and out and be comfortable with it.

We will cover handguns another day.

Be ready, and good luck.

Put the bloatee down and walk away...

Yeah, zombies.

Seems to have been the big thing for years now, from the ham handed nerf gun flash mobs to the endless drivel of "experts" on how badass their katana skills are.

My name is Anders and I live in the north central coast of California. California is one of the most liberal gun and big dog un-friendly states in the union. With that as an index for what is "legal" I will help you survive the zombie apocalypse.

My mother was a organic hippy type, my father served in Viet Nam for almost a decade. Strangely, it worked until I was about ten. Using the skills I learned from them, and life experience after my bitter teen years, I will help you to understand what is REALLY required to survive in the zombie infested future.

I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass and give you some half-baked opinion. My advice will be backed by science, personal experience and expert advice. I will try to qualify the latter as best I can.

Compare this to other organizations who claim to be zombie specialists, yet don't advocate the use of firearms, and tell you to “seek medical help” when needed. Tell you what, any dice geek who lives in a one bedroom apartment in SF trying to tell me how to survive using a bag of MREs and a pot metal katana is going to be on the other side of the wall in my world. That is unless he manages to miracle several hundred pounds of dried garbanzo beans out of his ass.

Sorry dude, that CRT negates the awesome of the chain mail.

This will be presented in no particular order, and I will post articles as they come to me. I will try to post the more critical, but also less obvious stuff first, you should know to be armed, you should know to have food, you should educate yourself on basic first aid. I’ll help supplement these fundamental concepts with ideas on how to make your go-bag lighter, your weapons more efficient, and give better ways to protect your cache.

That said, thank you for reading.

Be smart, and good luck.